2001 - ROBS STORY

Introduction

The first thing I wish to stress is that the story you are about to read may have little or nothing to do with events which actually happened between Thursday August 23rd and Sunday August 26th 2001. I am piecing it together from my festival diary, which consists of two sheets of shabby, un-ruled A4 paper. They contain what can only be described as childish scrawl. The reason I am using such means to recall the said weekend is this: I was drunk and pissed up on booze the entire time and don't remember anything. Enjoy.

Thursday 23rd August

After an uneventful car journey we arrive on site. Spend 10 minutes trying to tell Damo we're on Pooh Bridge. He said he knew where it was. He didn't. Eventually found him, had simulated sex and a beer. After deciding where to pitch the tents, we pitched them. Took us about 6 minutes, but then had to show Katy how to erect her tent, even though she vigorously denies it to this day. Then put up Wesley's tent (it's hard work being an engineer). Several beers later, we ascertain Jim's whisky is hot, so don't bother drinking it. Instead Jim decides to scab some of my Kronnenbourg 1664 because it's cold, promising to replace it with his Stones bitter, once it's cooled down. This seems like a good idea, but is regretted later when I realise Stones isn't very nice. Next comes the hero of our story, Our Kid, who was a security guard for the beer tent. Having found the tent, we were given free beer without even having to ask for it!

2215: Jim is a c$%t. I don't know why, it just says so in my diary, so it must be true. We decide to keep alive the tradition (started last year) of pelting Katy's tent with rubbish, but this time tie empty cans onto the guy ropes in the mistaken belief she would appreciate it.

The next passage reads 'Katy fell into tent looked like a TIT! (evil look)'. I was told not to include this but my delete key seems to be malfunctioning.

Now the conversation turns to tampax and cheese, though thankfully not together. I go for a burger. More beer, Elbow are declared good.

0004: Very drunk.
0117: Good Night.

Friday 24th August
0750: Awake to the sound of Scousers. Earplugs are good, but obviously not powerful enough to vanquish the evil of the Scouse dialect. Should have checked if the rubbish round our tent had been stolen. We learn that Sam and Maxine have gone home for a shower, and attribute this to the fact that they are wasters. (Please don't tell them. Unless of course you are Sam or Maxine, in which case "no offence!") There is a strange stain on my trousers. I praise the virtues of being able to urinate standing up by not using a PortaPotty(.

0900: First beer of the day, and the cool bag is still doing its job. Marvellous. The second cunning plan of the day is a barbeque. Sausage butties, with Heinz Tomato Ketchup. Bliss (apart from being slightly spoilt by a processed cheese slice). We all prey the food poisoning holds off until we can get to proper toilet facilities.

0925: Grolsch. Free beer tastes good. Accidentally drank Jim's can as well. Burp.

1250: And the first band we see is.........................Hed (pe). F@#kin' shite if you ask me. Americans or something. Probably have issues.

1335: Meet my twin. A thoroughly unsettling and unnerving experience whereby a complete stranger greets me as if I was his best mate. It later transpires his mates thought he looked vaguely like me, so a quick photo and they were on their way.

1440: System Of A Down: see review of Hed (pe), above.

1540: At this point Jim buggered off to watch some cacky Jim band (Haven, I think) so I decided to watch Alien Ant Farm. Tent was packed out but managed to find Damo, Amy and Marc. Tent is full of knob-heads so decide not to watch them but to go on a fairground ride instead. You know, the one that's this big wheel, and it kind of goes round and round and makes you feel sick and that. It made me feel sick so we went back to the tent for some lovely booze.

1740: Missed Queens of the Stoneage just cos I'm a lazy b@$tard. I really wanted to watch them as well. Just managed to hear Feel Good Hit of the Summer and Lost Art of Keeping a Secret from a distance.

1830: Low Gold are up next, the first band I really wanted to see. Didn't have time for a proper sound-check so there were a few minor niggles from the drummer and singer, but other than that they played an excellent set. The most gimp-like bass player I've ever seen, doesn't seem to be sporting a neck.

1955: Marilyn Manson. Another American with issues, can't see him taking off. Apart from when he seemingly grew to 30ft tall. Shoved something up his arse. I think he's ok, just ignore Jim. Can't remember what his songs were like. Probably quite good.

2115: Gay Dad. Highlight of the day, a travesty they were made to play the Carling stage. Stripped down compared to the last time I saw them; they are now a three piece but have lost none of their live impact. Set included To Earth With Love and the recent single Now, Always and Forever. 'This is our last song' announced the lead singer, (whom I can't be bothered finding out the name of). The crew had other ideas and decided to cut off the guitar amps. It seemed that because everyone else had come on late, they had to cut short their set to make way for the headlining act. Undeterred, an acapella version of 'Joy' was started, but then the bastards cut the mike. Still didn't stop us singing, the chorus of Joy fading into chants of 'Gay Dad! Gay Dad!. When they'd gone off, the bloke sat next to me asked 'Who were they?'.

2155: Eminem has blonde hair and sang some songs using his mouth.
Eventful evening to follow, starting with more free beer off Our Kid. Mmmmmmmm. Our candle attracted many people; strangely most of them were from the North West. The most memorable was the Super-Furry Toploader Mogwai fan. Modelled his hair on the lead warbler out of Toploader. Unsure whether he was in a sh1t dad-rock band.

Random Quote: 'I may be lazy but I'm not a security guard'.
Fact: wearing a bright orange coat and laminates round your neck makes people think you're a security guard. Was asked by 5 different people where stuff was. Should have made up directions. Mmmmmm, empowerment.

0430 Someone asks me if I'm wasted. I tell them No, I'm just pretending.
0515:???????????????????????????????
0530: Sleep

Saturday 25th August

0830: Awake feeling unwell after 3 hours sleep. Sweet sweet beer eases the pain. Apparently if you admit you have an alcohol problem it goes away... F%&king hippies and their jasmine.

1320: Moldy Peaches. Seemed to have a fat version of Jo Brand with a blonde perm on vocals. Also had Robin Hood and a man in some sort of nightdress. Only song I can really remember is 'Who's got the crack'. Other songs included direct references to sexual acts and genitalia. Fantastic.

1450: Mull Historical Society: Scottish.
1605: Saw a bit of the Eels set, E looked like a f@$kin' red neck farmer, complete with dungarees and a beard. It's unclear whether he's tupped his sister.

Next it was back to the tent to enjoy some lovely hot beer, as the cool bag had ceased working. Went for a dump.

1755: Now here's a story about Richard Hawley. Once upon a time there was a band called the Longpigs, for whom Richard was the guitarist. Don't worry, Longpigs weren't a Jim band cos they were good. When they split up, Richard formed his own band and named it after himself. He released an album, which I have on tape in my car. I'm not saying it's shit, just that I wind my windows up so no one can hear it. A bit like something you'd play in a retirement home to sedate your Grandad. Anyway, being from Sheffield, Mr. Hawley was a top bloke who not only played a very good set, but also called his family 'miserable f%&kers'. The end.

1830: P.J. Harvey wore a red dress.

2000: Green Day. Hmm, where do I start? Having seen them twice previously, they seem to like getting a member of the audience to play Billy Joe's guitar. This is easy as it's just three chords. Today, however, they replace the entire band with members of the audience. Fantastic. Until the drummer tries to be a clever chuff and fucks up the beat. Tre Cool makes everything better again. Back to normal, they finish their set by trashing the drums and setting fire to them with lighter fluid. Great finale. Or so we thought. They salvage a drum and play another song, which dissolves into chaos and the trumpet-bee plays 'God Save the Queen'. Performance of the Festival, both enjoyable and offensive.

2130: Travis. They have a lot to live up to after Green Day. They play a set of old favourites mixed with new tracks, broken up by Fran's banter, including re-naming a song 'All I Want to do is Burp'. Says some b0!!ll0cks about everyone being in a large room. Probably pissed up on Tennents Extra. We wait in anticipation for them to play 'Hit me Baby One More Time', when Fran announces an 'infamous' Travis cover version.........of a David Bowie track. Bugger. It was, however a cover of 'All the Young Dudes' with the bass player bloke on lead vocals. Overall thoroughly enjoyable and inoffensive.

2300: Visit our Kid's beer tent for...... wait for it...... some more free booze!!!

0000ish: Get back to tent for more booze; have a strange compulsion to see someone vomit. Someone runs past using a tent for a cape. Nick tells us of someone lying in the rubbish, but I dismiss it as just a dismembered leg (which seemed perfectly normal at that time).

Cocktail idea: Stones bitter + cheap vodka + lemonade, served warm from a beer can.

It turns out that the dismembered leg in the rubbish is actually attached to a very drunk teenage boy. After the shining of many torches and cheers from the crowd that had gathered (which may or may not have been started by me), he wakes up and decides to stand up. His body has other ideas, however, and he vomits then falls face-first into it. A passing security guard is alerted, and, after ascertaining the boy is alive, buggers off in his Land Rover. More cheering followed by said boy getting covered in rubbish. Some responsible person decides to call an ambulance and spoil the fun.

Random Quote: "Do you know where you are?" "In my tent." "No you're not, you're in a big pile of rubbish."

Paramedics get boy on his feet, boy falls over. Boy bundled into ambulance. Wouldn't like to be in his head in the morning.

The bird from the next tent (who had unfeasibly large breasts) informed us one of her mates would soon be sick. This was due to the invention of rum noodles, of which he had consumed many. Rum noodles, it turns out are regular Batchelor's Super Noodles cooked in cheap white rum rather than water... After much prompting it doesn't look promising on the vomit front

Earlier on I swore I was going to go to bed early tonight, relatively sober.

0400: Go to bed, pissed up.

Sunday 26th August

0800-1000: Wake up. Probably.

1200: Terris. Saw them last year and didn't reckon much to 'em then, but am dragged by Jim. Lead singer is obviously on some sort of amphetamines and prances about all over the place. Doesn't address the crowd very much and I get offended. The keyboardist is the most ridiculous sight I've seen in minutes, playing a keyboard the size of a matchbox. Should learn to play a fu%kin' bass.

1230: Buy Elbow T shirt. Jim toys with the idea of buying a 'Skinny' T-shirt. Chickens out. No Frank Black T shirts for Pete, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha loser!!!!!! Return to tent to avoid getting arrested for throwing bottles at O.P.M. W@#kers.

1325: After all the exertion, we retire to the Carling stage and listen to Thirteen 13. They actually sound very good, but all is spoilt by the naked program seller.

1435: Fact: 'And you will know us by the trail of the dead' are rubbish, and anyone who says they're good is wrong. I fall asleep during their performance. Absolutely underwhelming.

1540: Am forced to watch Gorky's Zygotic Mynci in order to get a good spot to watch Elbow. Quite good actually, like an injection of morphine after having a limb cut off. Lead singer plays some pianos and I suspect Welshness is involved.

1640: Elbow. The band I came to watch. They come out to rousing applause and I realise the Evening Session Tent is full. Even Guy is amazed. Play an absolute blinder, several blood vessels in danger of bursting during 'Newborn'. Better than last year for two reasons: I know the songs this year, and I can actually remember the performance. All I know about last year is that they were good. Apparently spoons were involved.

1750: Feeder. Saw them at V97 and they were good. Must have been a fluke 'cos they were rubbish this time, although 'My Perfect Day' was quite good. Decide it's a better idea to go back to the tent for jumpers than continue watching them. Damo comments on his sister's breasts.

Mmmmmm, jumpers. And beer.

1900: Supergrass. Come highly recommended from V98, and don't disappoint. "We haven't got any monitors, but f**k it, we'll play on anyway," announces Gaz the monkey. They f**k it and play on. All the hits played, including Caught by the fuzz and Sun hits the sky. Keeps calling the crowd beautiful and talking like a tw@t. A solid, if hairy performance.

2010: Fun Loving Criminals. Being American, it is almost a prerequisite these days to have issues. Not these fellas. Cool as f$%k. When 'Scooby Snacks' is played, even the people right at the back of the field start jumping about. I abandon lager as it's just not working anymore, and move onto cider. Ahh, those good old days when I was 15, drinking cider in the park. Hang on, I still did that when I was 20. Want to abandon cider for meths but nobody has any.

2130: Manic Street Preachers. In the hour before the performance, we counted a dozen wagons driving up behind the stage. We can only assume they were full of pies for James. When I was a lad, James was skinny, Nicky wearing a dress actually had an impact and Shaun never said anything. Oh well, some things never change. Many 12 year olds with feather boas, who would have been about 2 when the Manics started. Carl Marx announces them as his favourite band, and they emerge on stage. James is fat, Shaun doesn't say anything and, surprise surprise, Nicky is wearing a fucking dress. Yawn. They churn out the usual songs, but then the start of 'Jump' by Van Halen echoes through the speakers, merging into the opening riff of 'Motown Junk'. Not bad. I remember watching them when they were angry, but now they are just slightly annoyed. I sold my copy of their new album for 23p, and so should you.

2300: No free beer 'cos our Kid has gone home. It is the start of bad things to come.

0130: Pack up tents and go home after Cu^tS smash up campsite.

See you next year..........maybe.

THE END

Artical including spelling mistakes © Robert Whitehurst 2001.

Now read my version of events.